This page marks somewhat of a historic new chapter for my site, as it’s the first one dedicated wholly to a specific suburb. But having lived in Hilliard for about a year and a half at one point (summer ’05 to the end of ’06), it made sense to start here – and ever so gradually, my vision for this project is starting to come together, the gaps begin to close.
One interesting tidbit you might not know about Hilliard: as of the 2000 census, it had the highest birthrate of any town in Ohio. Which probably helps explain and has also fueled the explosive growth rate around this region. Well, whatever the case, considering this is a prototype of sorts, I have no idea how to organize this page. Expect some growing pains as I attempt to figure out what works. For now we’ll start with a basic map. Most everything will be grouped into one of these colored regions, in the map above, or else along/near one of the major roads:
So you can either keep scrolling, or click on one of these major categories to jump ahead. Here I’ll attempt confining my tales to just Hilliard, but there’s understandably a little bit of overlap in spots – otherwise the stories don’t make sense:
Cemetery Road corridor
4798 Leap Court: apartment I called home for about a year and a half, initially with Jill (pregnant with Emma at the time) and Maddie…then alone. After we had a little falling out and she moved in with her mom…who happened to live in this same apartment complex. Awkward!
I have plenty of fond memories here, however. As I plotted my exit strategy from this area entirely. Having an end unit, to the west it was basically just open field, and it was always relatively quiet back here. Apart from whatever mayhem I might have personally been generating at the time, of course. We had windows along that wall, though, which allowed plenty of sun – or at least as much sun as you ever get in Ohio – to stream into the place, making it a cheerful one.
And it had a detached garage, another odd touch, although in our case we didn’t park a car here, rather used it for storage. Especially considering there were plenty of parking spaces even closer to our unit. So a great deal of what we stored in that garage was boxes and boxes of my weird mementos/reference artifacts, like old issues of The Other Paper and what have you. Our friend Clif Davis, his brother-in-law Stephen, and Rick from the Bethel Road Kroger helped us move in, in various configurations across a couple days. Clif kept whistling the theme song from Sanford And Son, cracking himself up while doing so, even if this was a totally fair and accurate assessment.
Jill eventually convinced me I had to do something about these endless reams of old newspaper articles. It’s one of those situations where she was probably right, but I still have regrets about conceding anyway. We barely had enough room for them here, despite my strides at actually somewhat downsizing for a couple years leading up to this, and I would soon be facing the prospect of moving it all yet again, into who knows what kind of available space.
She suggested that I should go through all of it, tear out and keep just the specific pages which actually meant something to me. Typically this would turn into a late night project, after she went upstairs to bed, while I remained down in the living room, sprawled out on the floor with the TV on. In one hilarious incident, when I first tackled this project (which of course generated a somewhat loud, repetitive ripping sound), she shouted my name and called me upstairs. Then explained that she was having this half awake/half asleep nightmare that some type of bear-like creature was scraping its claws against our bedroom door. I just chuckled and mumbled something along the lines of “hmm, that’s strange,” without mentioning it was me ripping pages downstairs.
When living together, if Jill was working and I was off that day, Maddie and I would often just hang out here. She was four years old at the time. Mostly this meant playing with toys while a cartoon or children’s show was on the tube, although occasionally I was able to just put on music videos and let them roll. One hilariously memorable afternoon the video for Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz came on, which she instantly found completely mesmerizing, as the two of us then danced around the living room. As far as her toys go, she had this huge dollhouse which was usually involved in some capacity. Also this one dog-like plastic figure, which we strapped goggles onto, that she soon named “Cliffy.”
After moving out in a huff, Jill somehow wound up leaving Maddie’s dresser behind – which I still have to this day. Once they were gone, left to my own devices, this place turned into surely my most chaotic residence ever. There’s some hilarious video footage I shot one night at just how messy and cluttered this place had become. In warmer weather I did like wheeling out my charcoal grill into the front yard (we had no back door here), firing that up along with a radio playing baseball games, while I sat in a lawn chair drinking beer and writing. A prospect my neighbors were probably none too thrilled about, though nobody ever complained. When it was cold, too broke/cheap to truly crank the heat, I preferred instead to hole up in my bedroom, with the door shut, play movies accompanied by instead a nice wine and book combo. The lady situation was not overly abundant during this era, and visitors were few.
Bob Evans (3910 Lyman Dr.): we’ve had one of these everpresent puppies here since at least 2006.
Hilliard Square: strip mall right on Cemetary, in the NW corner of the Leap Road intersection. A fondly recalled string of shops, particularly as I lived directly behind here. Their primary marquee, I guess you would call it, looks just beautiful in its current state:
As far as a rundown of the businesses within, regarding the Kroger, I did in fact interview here once, in late ’99, for a head seafood opening. But did not get the promotion (Morse Road snatched me up instead) and never worked here. Would shop here a-plenty over the years, however, especially when moving into that apartment complex directly behind it. Leap-N-Lizard’s Pub is a nifty little dive, in my experience usually fairly packed, and I’m happy to see it’s still around some two decades plus, if not more, into its run.
Louie’s Latino American Kitchen (4453 Cemetery Rd.): A fusion restaurant fond of touting its mofongo chicken, spacious patio, and especially its Tex-Mex breakfast offerings. In that last regard this makes for a welcome secondary option to those who are maybe tired of the wait at Starliner Diner.
A previous tenant of this building was Sammies Italian Buffet. They were open for lunch and dinner daily, including a soft-serve ice cream station and salad bar, a family friendly destination that didn’t serve alcohol.
Sheetz (4279 Cemetery Rd.): it’s great and all, but do we really need another Sheetz? Well, obviously, someone must think so. As of 2006, though, it was a freaking Max & Erma’s, which is way cooler. One of an impressive 12 area locations, to boot. Okay, Max & Erma’s was never exactly cool, if being honest. But it was still sad to see them go, particularly in situations like these where they tore the entire building down.
Veritas Community Church (4772 Cemetery Rd.): don’t know anything about this charming looking church. However, it did used to be the Hilliard library, and its external appearance has changed little since that time. And lordy did I spend many an hour inside this place, back then. Considering it was located directly in front of my apartment building, this was about as convenient as you could get.
All the more so when considering I was once again too cheap to pay for internet at my house. So would stroll over here instead, to use theirs. The only issue was that you had a limited number of hour long blocks per day, I think three, and if there was a wait you would have to kill time until the opening. This was the place I frantically assembled cover art files for my book One Hundred Virgins, in 2006, and emailed them to the necessary parties. Also where I would play online chess, although this was particularly maddening and excruciating if I lost a game or got booted off at the end of an hour block. After one such gruesome defeat, furious about blowing a game I had been leading, as my last bit of time for the day wound down, I stormed home and kicked the bathtub. With such force that in all seriousness I think I fractured my big toe, as it hurt for months afterwards.
Just inside the doors you see here, the library commonly had items out for sale, though. So this became a good source of acquiring for example used movies on the cheap, many of which remain in my collection.
Warp Zone (4496 Cemetery Rd.): video games and beyond, indeed! This popular outpost has existed for quite some time itself. Its most high profile cultural placement surely came in the documentary Nintendo Quest, which is required viewing if you’re into gaming or for that matter even remotely into 1980s nostalgia.
Hilliard Rome Road corridor
BIBIBOP Asian Grill (1775 Hilliard Rome Rd.): fast-casual place known for customizable bowls of tasty ingredients arranged in colorful formations. That’s cool, but far more fascinating to me is that this used to be a Frisch’s!
Buffalo Wild Wings (1710 Hilliard Rome Rd.): not much needs said about this wildly popular franchise. Though a rundown of its locations seems slightly more interesting to me when considering that it all started right here, in Columbus. As far as this one I’ve only ventured inside just once, to my knowledge, back during my Target working days when Sach, Chris, and I came here for some drinks and grub after our shift.
Charleys Cheesesteaks and Wings (1777 Hilliard Rome Rd.): this one rubs shoulders with BIBIBOP and I’m pretty sure also eats up some of the space that used to belong to Frisch’s. You might be surprised to learn that Charleys also started in Columbus, on the OSU campus I think back in 1985. Extremely scrumptious offerings, in my experience, a bit under the radar in this day and age (if not always so, really) with the cheese covered fries an especially decadent recommendation. I feel like this diversion into wings is a relatively new occurrence. Also that this might be a newer location for them, too, considering this big red balloon atop their roof, broadcasting that they are NOW OPEN.
Cracker Barrel (1313 Hilliard Rome Rd. E.): yes, yes, of course, I’ve been here scads of times. Not to rip on anybody or anything, but baby mama and her crew were always way more into visiting famous chains than trying out “weird” local places. So I would end up in that undertow as well. Once again, since I’m looking back at the year 2006 at present, yes it has held down this spot for at least that long. This is not on Hilliard Rome but tucked back, as is this franchise’s general tendency, on this other access road, visible from the interstate.
Fazoli’s (1520 Hilliard Rome Rd.): fast food Italian operation that’s one of my daughter’s favorites. But it is surprisingly better than you might expect, and not available in all parts of the country. As far as this particular location is concerned, well before Emma or Maddie were born, when I was named head seafood captain at the Morse Road store, Jill’s mom took us all out to dinner here to celebrate. So it wasn’t all bad times by any means with certain individuals.
As an entirely unrelated side note, is it me or did this road used to be called Rome Hilliard Road instead? Did they flip the names around when New Rome was dismantled and fed into the woodchipper of history? I know back in the day we all used to call it Rome Hilliard Road, to the extent it still rolls off the tongue more naturally for me. But now I’m wondering if we were always wrong about that.
Fine Line Auto Body Hilliard (1451 Hilliard Rome Rd.): I suppose any region can only support so many restaurants. And an auto body shop sprinkled throughout the land is surely a good thing. Still, it’s interesting to note that this used to be a Perkins.
Kroger (2525 Hilliard Rome Rd.): Never worked at this one but have known a couple people who did. John Maul landed over in our meat department at Bethel Road, after transferring from here, and Kyle Robinson wound up working at Wild Oats with me. Prior to this, they were employees at the same time over here. I think “Dollar” Bill Flory was employed at the produce department here, too, considering he lived right behind the place, before he also landed at Bethel – but don’t quote me on that.
Lucky’s Grille & Sports Pub (5387 Roberts Rd.): sports pub which offers a nice selection of craft beer on tap. They’ve been here at least 25 years, which is always nice to see, and used to at least on occasion offer live music – not sure if that’s still the case or not. Have written about one previous visit, anyway, and it feels like I’ve ventured inside here a time or two beyond that.
Outback Steakhouse (1735 Hilliard Rome Rd.): has been here since at least 2006, an impressive enough run as far as these things go.
Red Robin (1865 Hilliard Rome Rd.): ditto this Red Robin, just down the same side of the street.
Santiago Market (5431 Roberts Rd.): a much needed change of scenery around these parts, in the form of a Latino-centric grocery store. Way more interesting than a previous occupant, Jersey Mike’s.
Supreme Buffet & Hibachi (1323 W. St. James Lutheran Ln.): old school looking brick building, within sight of I-70, may very well have been a Pizza Hut or a Shoney’s or something in its past life. What we do know is that up through at least 2006, it was Salvi’s Bistro, a popular casual eatery, open for lunch and dinner daily, brunch on Sundays. As far as the current occupant, I’m always suspicious of operations with vinyl banners for signs alongside their exterior walls. But who knows, it might be decent.
Texas Roadhouse (1770 Hilliard Rome Rd.): then again this Texas Roadhouse has also sat just an ornery boot pebble’s throw away from Outback, also since 2006, so maybe none of their runs are all that remarkable. Or does this make them doubly so?
The Olympic Diner (5454 Roberts Rd.): located in the NW corner of this intersection, this is a breakfast only place. Back in 2006, however, it was Chef’s House, an American/Greek hybrid open all day, every day. An alcohol free, family friendly joint especially proud of their baby beef liver with onions and their double-yolk eggs.
Wright-Patt Credit Union (1840 Hilliard Rome Rd.): just chilling in the middle of this chain restaurant turf war, you have a boring ol’ financial institution. But that’s only because a previous tenant, Ruby Tuesday, did not survive this carnage.
Mill Run
I don’t know off the top of my head if the shopping plazas on both sides of the road are called “Mill Run” or not. But we’re rolling with this designation anyway.
Ag-Pro (3727 Park Mill Run Dr.): a tractor dealer. Which might seem like a relatively odd location, although then again even here you are not that far removed from massive stretches of flat Ohio farmland. In its former life, meanwhile, it used to a HomeTown Buffet. These certainly sound familiar…although I’m having trouble placing what one of these looked like or would have offered, even though there were 4 Columbus locations at that time.
At Home (3599 Park Mill Run Dr.): A home goods store which certainly seems to have all the bases covered in that regard. It’s a spacious enough building, anyway, which I know from having been inside here back when it was…Incredible Universe.
For those who don’t recall, this was an electronics superstore which didn’t last very long, probably due to its cavernous size, and the inventory required to fill it. The occasion of my lone visit occurred in the fall of ’96, which was apparently just a few months before the company announced they were closing all stores. I was working at the Mansfield Damon’s at the time, and three of us coworkers decided to take a road trip down here to visit some pet show in Hilliard. It was held at some school at what felt like a ridiculously early hour, after which we drove past the nearby Damon’s (see below) before popping into Incredible Universe.
The day’s most amusing coincidence, at least to me, occurred while inside here. I was strolling down some random aisle when a nearby phone rang. I believe these were just mounted on a pole, but at any rate, it was well within reach without any convolutions whatsoever. So I grabbed it. And then the caller, who was obviously just someone else inside the store, happened to ask, “is Jason there?”
“Yes!” I triumphantly declared.
Just then, some heavily annoyed employee stomped up and took the phone out of my hands.
When this store closed, it became a Garden Ridge. At some point, a Dave & Buster’s (see below) was built atop a large chunk of its former parking lot.
Damon’s: was located at 3799 Park Mill Run Drive. I know some former employees at this location – and could have easily worked here myself. That day of the pet store show, when driving past here, we were still somewhat early and couldn’t help but observe the place was lined halfway down the sidewalk, people waiting for it to open. We all three discussed relocating here, pronto. Of course to my knowledge I was the only one who followed through and ever moved to Columbus, a scant 2-3 months later. Though I wound up working at the Olentangy River Road location instead.
Jordan Smith of Hilliard Beacon was one such worker here, in his formative years. After my podcast interview with them, the four of us chatted awhile off the record (which might have been the most interesting part) and he related to me that this Damon’s had a problem with standing water on the kitchen floor. Which would occasionally bleed out onto the carpet of the dining area. Even so was one of the last 6 locations left here in town.
Known employees: Chris “Mill Run” McAuley, Jordan Smith
Daruma Japanese Steakhouse & Sushi (3939 Ridge Mill Rd.): I don’t know anything about this operation, beyond some truly tantalizing online photos and videos. Based upon this, the presentation and the atmosphere certainly look impressive enough, and I’m guessing the food quality would most likely match.
It amuses me to no end, though, when a completely different business is grafted onto an exterior that remains more or less unchanged. In this instance, a Lone Star Steakhouse used to kick up its spurs in these parts, up through at least 2006.
Dave & Buster’s (3665 Park Mill Dr.): presumably you know the drill here, so there’s not much need to elaborate. As far as their food goes, it’s often listed as “American cuisine,” which means they’re at least aiming for something a little better than middle of the road pub grub. Whether they achieve this or not is open to interpretation.
Fishinger Dental (3560 Fishinger Blvd.): I guess I just realized it changes from Fishinger Road to Boulevard right here, at the lazy sideways S curve between Smiley Road and the outerbelt, before it becomes Cemetery Road instead. Anyway, though now a plain beige shed housing this dental practice, once upon a time it used to be a Fuddruckers. Erin recently ate at one somewhere else and was raving around the retro 90s charm of such a place – she then asked me about my experiences, and I was telling her I actually don’t remember ever setting foot inside one of these.
Hale’s Ale & Kitchen (3641 Fishinger Blvd.): I popped in here for a bite not so long ago, because I happened to be in the area. Was actually wondering if Tropical Bistro was still here, but saw this had taken its place, and decided to give it a whirl anyway. I enter the spacious, dingy interior, halfway occupied by patrons on this early happy hour Friday. Grab a seat at the bar itself, and check out their menu. The girl serving drinks is a no-nonsense blonde, which is a trait I guess I kind of admire, so long as it doesn’t devolve into cuntishness. It’s certainly better than the overly fake-friendly, gushing that whatever you were wondering about is “greeeeeaaaat! Every single thing we have is great!” or when you ask them what they’d specifically recommend from such-and-such category of dish, they tell you they like them all. That’s not going to be a problem with her.
The food I would describe as solid but unremarkable. Considering I was pretty much expecting this and maybe even seeking that, though, this is also nothing I’m going to complain about. I know I order a local draft of some sort, but can’t find my notes about any of this at the moment (who’d have thunk it!) and therefore we’re going to have to live with vagueness for now.
As far as the decor, this has to be the most blah use of this much space I’ve ever seen. Jon Taffer would blow a gasket if ever setting foot inside this place. The coolest aspect by far is this Ohio shaped board they have hanging on one wall, covered with various beer caps. They also have a wooden barrel in the foyer stamped with the name Elevator Brewing Co., so this is something, anyway. And it does appear, if these online pictures are more recent than mine, that they’ve maybe already repainted and remodeled since my visit, eschewing this dreadful dark maroon in favor of a lighter beige-ish color.
Still, this rates as one of the more depressing bar interiors on record – and it’s even more of a downer when you consider that Tropical Bistro used to call this address home. Opened in spring 2006, Tropical Bistro earned comparisons to Kahiki at that time. Like its more famous ancestor, Tropical Bistro was a Polynesian themed restaurant with rooms divided as though they are separate houses. One of their more popular appetizers was called Rumaki, pairing scallops with bacon; as far as entrees are concerned, Islander Flaming Beef Teriyaki was served on a flaming sword – and actually, smoke and/or fire were a common accessory here, considering their specialty drinks (such as the Smoking Eruption) and desserts (Big Fat Mamasan) often employed this timeless classic of a gimmick.
Panera Bread (3625 Fishinger Blvd.): Also here as far back as 2006. One of an insane 19 Columbus locations even then. Zzzzz.
Taj Palace: As of March 2006, this Indian restaurant was holding down a spot at the Market at Mill Run (3794 Fishinger Blvd.) They were open every day and had a buffet. And it is still here, too, nearly 20 years later.
TGI Friday’s: was located at 3861 Park Mill Run Road. As of March ’06 one of just four remaining locations in town. Nowadays Moon Pizza, a takeout only operation, and the Mill Run Event Center share this address.
Old Hilliard
Abner’s Casual Dining (4051 Main St.): Don’t let the deceptively modest name fool you – the fare here is somewhat basic, but served with a little more flair than expected. The interior is cheerfully modern, too, all soothing cream and light green walls and a modern faux wooden floor.
According to the menu, they’ve been here since 1987. But if so the owners must have either rebranded at some point, or else moved here from another location. Because I know it was Mel’s Diner up through at least the fall of ’06. That place too was American comfort cuisine, open for breakfast and lunch daily but only Thu-Sun for dinner (which tells you a little bit about the sleepy state of this downtown at that time.) They didn’t accept reservations, but did serve cocktails.
Franklin County Fairgrounds: not to be confused with the Ohio State Fairgrounds, which are much larger and located down by OSU campus. As far as I can recall, I’ve only been here once – which was for my coworker Tim Young’s wedding. He and his bride-to-be rented out a building for the occasion, which was a Halloween wedding, to boot.
The day begins fairly early, as we leave Jill to hang out back at the apartment, while Doug and I drive around attempting to complete his costume. Theoretically, anyway. He’s dressing as a werewolf and just needs some brown facepaint. Except we arrrive at the Halloween store on Bethel and find it lined out the ass, therefore say screw it, he’ll think of something else. And from here drop in at our dear old nearby Kroger instead, to see what everyone else is up to.
“Do you miss this place?” I ask him, as we’re walking toward the building.
“You know what, now that we’re here…,” he nods, “a little.”
Once inside, we head back to the meat department. Everyone’s happy to see Doug for the first time in months, and I also introduce him to Donnie. Tammie and Erin meanwhile have made jello shots for the wedding, which are chilling in the meat cooler right now.
“Someone drank 6 of them already!” Tammie gasps, and shows us the evidence. We all pretty much suspect that Captain Kirk must be the culprit.
Doug meanwhile hits Ed up for some rib recipe he wanted. Then we’re off, with a quick pit stop at DiMarco’s, where Doug buys us a beer. He’s telling me about some chick he’s seeing and is thinking about moving in with. Then we continue onward back to my apartment, although Doug doesn’t care for my hesitation at the wheel, i.e. disapproves in how I wait for a better break in the traffic on Godown before pulling out of this parking lot. He believes I should have just floored it and hung a quick left.
“Christ Pockets, you drive like a girl,” he concludes.
We swing into Fox and Hounds to see if Roy’s home, but he’s not. Back at my pad, he and Jill and I start getting ready. He then calls over to Lisa’s place, where Roy just happens to be. So he tells Roy to “meet us at Pockets’,” meaning of course my place, totally forgetting there is a bar of the same name nearby. So what does Roy do but drive over to the bar named Pockets, wait for us awhile there, conclude we must have already left or something, and jet. Doug calls his girlfriend to see where he’s at and she relates this news to us.
Lisa comes over at 4. She merely scoops Doug up and takes him back over to her apartment, so she can put on the makeup for his costume while he knocks back a few. Jill and I spend an eternity getting ready – she’s dressed in this medieval style outfit that looks great, and I’m this “soultaker” guy with lots of white and black face paint. Jill is stuck painstakingly applying this to my face, but it does turn out pretty cool and I guess was worth the hassle.
Then we cruise over to Lisa’s new apartment. She, Maria, Doug, Roy, and Beth are here. The girls are of course mighty frosty to Jill but that’s pretty much expected. Outside, since Doug is riding with us, Jill makes him chug his entire beer because she doesn’t want him drinking in her car. Then we’re off and on the road.
The plan is to meet everyone for some pregaming at Robert’s Bar in Hilliard. En route Marilyn Manson’s The Dope Show comes on the radio and we crank it. As we arrive, Erin and Ralph are just walking in – she’s dressed like a witch, he a vampire. I’ve never met him before but he seems pretty cool. Tammie is already sitting at the bar, with Dan Miller. He’s dressed like Batman, while she’s supposed to be a skimpily dressed cat or something.
“Of course it would have to be something slutty,” Jill whispers to me, with a knowing snicker.
Beers are consumed, and then some of those jello shots that Tammie and Erin made. During this time Jill and I are discussing logistics with Carrie, hoping she can maybe take Doug home, since I picked him up. This is the arrangement we had last time he came around, but she seems unconvinced and the entire subject is left up in the air for now.
Then we all get ready to leave. Tammie and Dan were actually supposed to wait for us, so we can follow them to the fairground, but unexpectedly take off without us. This leaves Jill to lead the way, because she thinks she can probably find it, with Erin and Ralph following us. And we do manage to locate the fairgrounds okay, without too much difficulty.
Outside the building itself, we reassemble, while still other guests roll in. First Tom shows up with his wife Tammy (pretty hot!), then Johna and her dorky boyfriend Rick and her two little girls. Considering that Carrie is here with her friend Tami, this means we have three women with the same name, in our small entourage, all spelling it slightly differently (and much, much different hotness levels, in case anyone is wondering.) Out here, we pound more jello shots, and the groom himself even swings past to say hello. Tim’s dressed like Frankenstein’s monster, which is somehow just perfect.
Then we all head inside one of the barn-type buildings, sit around on hay bales that have been arranged like proper church pews. We’re sitting around so long, though, that Doug and Jill decide to slip outside and smoke a joint real quick. Well, of course the ceremony begins basically as soon as they leave, meaning they miss the beginning. Jill’s wondering why I didn’t come get her, but I’m shrugging and basically saying I don’t know, is it really that important?
But at least they’re here. Channel 10 was actually supposed to show up and film some of this, presumably for the evening news, but never make it. Some other late breaking development must have pulled them away. As far as the ceremony itself, the lights go out to kick things off, as Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath erupts from the speakers. When the bride, Kim, appears, there’s some demented wedding march playing. And the preacher is wearing devil horns, though they are quite short and difficult to see, as though even he is somewhat uncomfortable about the angle of this wedding. But see, Tim and Kim had called Wags and Elliot from QFM 96.3, to tell them about this wedding, well in advance, and those guys flew this dude in from West Virginia somewhere to perform the honors.
After vows are exchanged, the lights are flipped on again to the tune of AC/DC’s Highway To Hell. Immediately, we all run for the beer, and grab plates of the somewhat limited food options – not that anyone’s complaining. This mostly consists of wings and meatballs, which once again totally fits the occasion. Then at some point I’m asking Doug if he’s thinking about returning to Kroger, since Tom is offering him a hefty raise to do so.
“I’ll tell you what,” Doug replies, “if Tom will smoke a joint with me, then I’ll come back.”
Well, spoiler alert, but Tom and Tim do eventually swing by our table in the name of “recruiting.” Then all three of those guys slip outside to do just that. But no, Doug never does return to our store.
“I didn’t know Tom smoked!” Jill gasps.
“Oh yeah,” I explain, “out of meat and seafood combined, the only ones that don’t are me, Donnie, Johna, and Brent. And Donnie used to, until a few months ago.”
“I wondered why I’d always see Tom and Ed riding in a car together when I was coming in for work…,” she muses.
Erin leaves early, completely trashed. Then when Doug, Jill, and I take off, we stop in at the Henderson Road Kroger, grab some beer and a bottle of champagne, return to the apartment. Doug has these big plans to meet up with Lisa and Roy and that whole entourage at midnight, but chill out in the meantime. So we order a pizza. Then the next thing you know it’s 11:30 and Doug is passed out on the couch in front of some TV show. Jill’s pretty drunk by this point, so we slip off to my room, where I start eating her out on the mattress. Then about halfway through these proceedings, we realize the bedroom door’s still open, and I decide it’s a good idea to get up and go shut it.
Which is funny because after we’re done and she passes out, I wander back out and unexpectedly encounter Alan, who’s sitting up on the other couch, grinning from ear to ear.
“Is that Doug?” he says, nodding at the comatose figure across the living room.
“Yeah.”
“I can’t believe I’m seeing this – Doug passed out!” he marvels.
Comically enough, Lisa and Beth show up over here at 4 o’clock in the morning. Apparently they were pounding on our door, but if so only one person heard them: Doug. In an even funnier development, he later relates getting up, staggering over the door, peeking out to see it was them, then trudging back to sleep without ever opening it.
Franklin Street Creative: This deceptively nondescript building is home of the Hilliard Beacon, a wonderful publication documenting in fine detail every significant happening within your fair town. Jordan Smith, Tim Hofmann, and A. Kevin Corvo are the trio heading up this operation, all of which landed here when traditional media more or less went up in flames. I have been fortunate enough to get to know all three of them, in some capacity, and found them to be likeable, relatable fellows who also happen to know a ton and churn out some great work.
They chronicle Hilliard’s comings and goings primarily via a Substack page in both newsletter form and also frequent podcasts. In April 2024 I was even able to sit down (or pace around) for an interview with these guys! I wanted to paste a link to their actual Substack post here, but that doesn’t appear to play nice with WordPress. So we’ll go with the Spotify version, which pretty much anyone should be able to listen to without ever leaving this page:
Old Bag of Nails (4065 Main St.): This wasn’t open yet at the time I actually lived in Hilliard, therefore I’ve only been here once. The occasion was a rehearsal dinner for Maria’s wedding. They rented out this room on the second floor (windows visible in this photo) and after Erin and I picked up Maddie and Emma, the four of us drove over here.
We park on the street and enter the restaurant, are told to head upstairs, where a room has been reserved. When we get up there, Jen McBride, Lisa, and about 3 other people are standing around. Lisa is jibberjabbering away without pause to one of these persons, waves half-heartedly at me, while Jen displays no initial recognition at all.
Then Tommy walks in with his woman and his daughter, and shouts, “Pockets!” This tall guy with brown hair and glasses says, “oh, so you’re Pockets! I’ve heard all these stories and I was wondering who Pockets was!” He walkes over to shake my hand – turns out this is Landon, Lisa’s current boyfriend.
He seems like a nice enough guy. Jen finally realizes it’s me and says hello as well. Then I meet Maria’s fiance, Greg, who comes across as extremely cool, laid back, a little bit older with a great sense of humor. We are in fact seated at the same table as Maria and Greg, the four of us plus them, somehow. Erin and Maria of course hit it off from the word go, but as for Lisa…eh, not so much. But of course that was always completely predictable, too.
After those two exchange no-more-than-cordial hellos, Lisa extending a limp wrist in her direction, Erin jokes to me, “that was like shaking hands with a dead fish.” But then their mom, Rose, laughs and gives me a dismissive wave, in a jovial oh psshaw! type manner, explaining to Erin, “I’ve known him since he was knee high to a…”
“Short duck,” I offer.
“Yeah, really!” she agrees.
From here, the room swiftly begins filling up with guests. There’s a small buffet here, which suits us just fine, but of course Emma’s extremely picky and Maddie somewhat so. But the nice thing about having it here is that they are able to just order something off the Old Bag menu. As for us, we think the buffet is pretty decent. And they’ve also given everyone a few tickets each for adult beverages.
About halfway through the meal, a few tables over, Tommy’s getting agitated with his daughter and unexpectedly shouts out, “who wants a kid!? Thousand bucks! You can have her!” to the entire room. It’s pretty hilarious – and nice to see that basically nothing has changed with this crew. So the wedding and especially the reception should be interesting.
Heading back to our car, the girls are in giddy mood and think that the short, curbside, glowing orange streetlights are “cute.” Emma says she wishes they were boys so that she could hug them.
Prior to this Old Bag era, circa 2006, this same building was instead an Irish pub/restaurant called The Yard Club. They were open for lunch and dinner from Monday through Saturday, specialized in steaks and seafood.
Otie’s Tavern & Grill (5344 Center St.): at some point they renamed themselves from the somewhat simpler Otie’s Restaurant, but either way it amounts the same thing – or thereabouts, anyway. Nowadays they refer to themselves as a throwback style American bar with American and Greek food, with live music to boot; circa 2006 their vibe was considered more country/homestyle type offerings, such as trumpeting their “baloney” sandwiches and roast beef.
Starliner Diner: this iconic restaurant is now in its second location, with no appreciable loss to the charm or the food quality. Click the name to read more.
other stuff
5011 Scioto Darby Rd.: Jill and her family lived in the right half of this charming little duplex from the fall of 1998 to March 2001. It was a split level with a basement and, I must say, somewhat roomier than you would guess from the outside. The kitchen was in the lower level, on the backside, and though there must have been a back yard of some sort, I seriously don’t remember setting foot inside it ever.
I did help them move in here, though. They got a lot of new furniture at that time, which is how we wound up with all the snazzy flower patterned stuff over at my apartment – donated gratis. I remember Jill and I put together a book shelf in her room, during which time I somehow dropped a hammer on her. Also one much more riveting occasion whereby we wound up doing it on the cement basement floor. She and I were washing laundry down there, she turned around with a mischievous chuckle and steered me down for a safe landing. Climbed on top, etc, etc.
This was the most “normal” living arrangement she apparently ever had, during her childhood and late teen/early 20s years. Her mom was actually married during this entire stretch, and her stepdad, Dan, was a beefy yet laidback guy, easy to get along with, by appearances respectable enough. Through him Jill even had a stepsister and a stepbrother, roughly the same ages as us, although they didn’t really come around a ton. Despite his hefty size Dan did kind of giggle like a girl, though, and in retrospect would seem a little daintier than I initially realized.
All of which would make much more sense down the road, when those two inevitably got divorced. One of the harbingers that first aroused their suspicions, about Dan possibly having a secret other life, was when this hilarious and very late 90s-esque figure got stuck on their computer screen, in an endless loop. It was from that whole era where they thought it was extremely cutting edge and cool to have some random image slide in sideways without warning from the edge of your screen, most likely accompanied by a little pop up bubble relating a message to you of some sort (i.e. like this animated figure I seem to remember from early Windows computers, who would often “helpfully” arrive on the scene and describe features to you, about which you had approximately negative 12% interest.) Well, in this instance it was a fully naked dude, who would slide into view and do a little dance, then scurry away again, endlessly. In other words the kind of malware you might wind up with if trolling a gay porn site.
Dan would eventually admit to being bisexual, although they didn’t get divorced until after leaving this house. And on the subject of unexpected nudity, I guess it would be remiss not to mention that Jill’s mom liked to sleep fully naked, which I initially did not know. Maybe she had an exhibitionist streak or something, who knows, but as Jill and I would always sleep in her room with the door open, and they left the hall light on, there were a couple ghastly occasions early on where I glimpsed much more than I wanted to, in other words the entire enchalada. The sound of someone moving would draw my attention and I’d reflexively glance over there, only to witness the sight of her mom shuffling past, without a stitch on. Over time I soon learned not to look.
Well, I would eventually help them move out, too, as they continued bouncing around town. That occasion was an especially grueling one somehow as it was just Dan and me stuck transporting and hauling the vast majority of their furniture out of here, into the next place. He also gave me like seven or so very nice 3-piece suits, sport jacket and all, which he hadn’t been able to wear since his much younger days. And there was also one occasion where we were taking a small amount of stuff over to my place, and he didn’t think I was going to brake for this car ahead of me in time, and squealed like – ahem – a teenaged cheerleader, then giggled nervously about that being a close call.
I only saw that dude one other time, after he and Jill’s mom split up in 2001. It was a few months maybe after I’d started working at Wild Oats, and he was in there shopping with some other woman, having already moved onto his next girlfriend. We chatted for a minute and I glanced over at her, then back at him, and we shared a little conspiratorial laugh about the situation. But of course, I couldn’t wait to tell the others about my encounter.
UPS (5101 Trabue Rd.): this completely unremarkable building is nonetheless where I picked up the first copy of my first book, Night Driving, back in 2001. Stood in this parking lot beside my car unwrapping the box, and turning the mythical object with considerable awe and wonder, over and over in my hand. You don’t exactly forget an experience like that.
