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Morse Road

Hauer Music on Morse Road in Columbus Ohio

Okay, I was wondering today just how far out of town Morse Road goes before ending. I couldn’t remember, and don’t believe that I’ve ever driven it to the end before. As it turns out, this puppy extends all the way into almost the semi-distant town of Granville (same name all the way, too) until it crashes and burns into 161. As far as this here little website is concerned, however, we will only focus upon what happens on Morse inside of Hamilton Road, maybe a little beyond if I’m really inspired. As such I will be breaking it down into some handy little sections, for your convenience:

High Street to Sinclair Road

Sinclair to Karl Road

Karl to Tamarack Blvd

Tamarack to Northtowne/Walford

Northtowne/Walford to Cleveland Ave

Cleveland to the Outerbelt

Outerbelt to Hamilton Road

One thing that is odd about Morse is that for such a long, major thoroughfare, there are almost no iconic restaurants to be found upon it. Or much of an iconic anything, really. This isn’t to say it doesn’t have its highlights, however, and anyway that’s half the fun – no matter how cool, you wouldn’t want your streets and your neighborhoods all the same. With that in mind, let us begin, shall we:

High Street to Sinclair Road

115: anyone who drove through this stretch in the 90s and early 2000s remembers the one house on the right (south) side of the road, whose yard was piled up with all manner of total randomness. The owner considered it one big unified art installation, and it admittedly did look pretty freaking cool. The city of Columbus was not so charmed, however. They kept threatening him with legal action if he didn’t move the stuff, and in November of 1999 began fining him $100 a day. And yet he refused to clean it up. As of a Dispatch article in August of 2004, they were still throwing this daily fine at him, but also threatening to take his house.

The homeowner in question was Robert Centofanti, and this battle apparently began in 1998, when the city towed away a bunch of his stuff and then charged him for the privilege. There was also some standoff in ’01 involving the SWAT team and a psych eval. The Dispatch piece goes on to describe his collection as involving “baby toys, random shoes, and a ceramic creation with smoker’s pipes sticking out of it,” as just part of his sprawling collection, alongside the Hunchback of Notre Dame, knobs from faucets, art supplies and a “motorcycle pointed toward the sky.” I’m not quite sure how this saga ended, but the property looks completely different now.

500: Ohio School for the Deaf

This is the only publicly funded school for the deaf in Ohio. Though originally located downtown, behind the main branch of the library (what is now known as Topiary Park), the school relocated to this more spacious plot in 1953. And it is also as of this writing the 5th oldest residential school in the entire U.S.

It was while driving through this stretch one day, westbound, that my red Geo Storm finally bit the dust. Dubbed by one friend as “Ghetto Fabulous” – a name which stuck, in part because we put mailbox decals on both sides spelling this out – I had been driving it around forever with no muffler at all. A couple people had mentioned that if so doing, a wind burst hitting it just right could blow up into your engine and freeze the thing. Which is evidently what happened, as it never ran again.

Sinclair to Karl Road

Above is the map for this stretch of the road. Click on the dots to read more about the places in question.

It remains a work in progress to determine what works best for stuff like this. As always I would advise it’s preferable that you view this on an actual computer screen instead of your phone. Either way, though, you can zoom in to view certain sections in closer detail – like using that little wheel dealio in the middle of a mouse, if you have one.

1270: currently Huong Vietnamese Restaurant. As of at least February 1998, however, a well-regarded Italian place called Trattoria Roma served homemade pasta. They were open for lunch of weekdays, dinner six nights a week, closed Sundays. Leonardo’s Pizza was here from the late 60s until I don’t know when.

This is part of the whole Woodward Park strip mall. Whether it was called the same back then or not, a restaurant called Ponta Roma Room was once here, at 1268. Now there’s a Dollar Tree, a Sav-A-Lot, and a Yogi’s Hoagies.

1271: In a disturbing trend that is bound to repeat countless times, this now a really boring old national chain store (Boost Mobile)  but was once the home of a  local institution (Hauer Music). Incidentally, if you are looking at their ad up top, they began business in 1937 but I don’t think it was at this specific location.

1277: Little Caesars Pizza. You presumably know the drill here.

This spot used to be a Coconuts Music Store, however! I know this location hung in there through at least 2000. The reason I know this is because I bought Kid A here on the day it came out, and All That You Can’t Leave Behind as well. I remember one other trip when I was in the midst of moving and we rolled through here for some listening materials – Damon picked up Beck’s Midnite Vultures and Rage’s The Battle of Los Angeles at that time. They had a decent magazine selection, all the new CDs you would expect, the major catalog offerings, et cetera. In this neck of the woods, during that era, it was either here or the music store at Northland Mall. Unless venturing up to Easton, in which case you had Best Buy and a Virgin megastore.

1279: Namaste Indo-Nepali Cuisine. Say one thing for this Morse corridor, at least, they’ve got all the bases covered with a wide range of diverse ethnic offerings, in a relatively small area. Even if you’ve never heard of them, it pays to get away from High Street and the other trendier regions, and dig a little deeper.

1321: Only a boring old Pep Boys store at the moment, though it used to be a Betty Crocker’s Tree House restaurant. I have no idea what that would have been, but it sounds awesome. Or interesting, anyway. And prior to this, a Brown Derby served up the middlebrow fare here.

1330: Union Savings Bank. It has been here since 2000, and may have been a brand new building at that time – I couldn’t find any earlier reference to this address.

1345: Rooms For Less is here now, in a fairly new looking and stylish building. A restaurant called Mothers opened at this address in 1977 and lasted for at least a little while.

1418: Grandad’s Pizza. I like how Google has a section called “crowd” for every restaurant listing, and this one has “College Students” checkmarked. Like there are theoretically pizza places in town where college students are not welcome. That would be an awesome sight to behold, actually, someone calling up the restaurant and the guy taking the order says, “wait, you’re a college student? Sorry, but no, then. Huh uh. Forget it.” And quietly hangs up.

1454: LL Flooring (Lumber Liquidators). This is the first business, address-wise (front left side) of this tiny strip mall known as The Patio Shops. An unremarkable one, maybe, but a nerd like me finds this stuff fascinating. The other businesses crammed in here with you represent a loose knit family, united in this instance by the chocolate-brown awning up top, upon which each has placed its sign. Or maybe “coworkers” would be more accurate, rather than family – because the names do come and go, over the years. What else is found in The Patio Shops at present, though, and who else has drifted through here? I see an entry for Arby’s (1484) in the distant past, which would be interesting, as I’ve only ever seen them as standalone buildings. So I’m not sure if this strip mall looked the same back then or not. Also a Pizza Inn at 1474 in the 1970s, and a Guy’s Hamburgers (1466 – address, not year) decades upon decades ago. Plus I only recently learned that Schmidt’s Sausage Haus used to have a 2nd or 3rd satellite operation here (1468).

Other current residents include an NS Free Rapid Testing site, African Market, Shefa Center, Golden Needle, Lawshea’s, Mai’s Beauty Salon, ZZ Spa, and Sky Bar.

1496: Somewhat of an unfortunate theme along this road: used to be something (Dexter’s Sub Station, for example), currently nothing.

1506: not in use at the moment. Rugged Boot & Shoe Co. was here though as of October 2001. They offered a 1 year sole wear guarantee, 1 year waterproof guarantee. Another location in town was at 4901 W. Broad St. They had 2 more elsewhere.

1508: Little Dragons, a Chinese restaurant, has been here since at least the late 90s. I know this from occasionally scooping up takeout lunch from the place, as did many of my coworkers at the time. Decent but unremarkable.

Karl to Tamarack Blvd

Camelot Music receipt Northland Mall

Though the former Northland Mall did not have a Morse Road address, you would be remiss not to include that here. The businesses lining the street, in the front portion of the parking lot, all had/have Morse Road addresses, and the mall itself sat here near the Morse/Karl intersection. It was the most significant retail development along this major artery, at least until Easton crashed the gates a few decades later. Former Cleveland Indians owner Dick Jacobs was the one responsible for opening this mall, in 1964, although it wasn’t properly enclosed as an indoor shopping destination until ’75. In the late 90s Jacobs launched a war against the construction of Easton, believing that it would crush his fading indoor site – and he was not wrong about this, of course – as well as protesting on the grounds that the city was just handing Easton free dough to build their roads and other infrastructure.

In the early 2000s, I was chatting with my former boss Donza Mathess on the phone (we worked at the Kroger across the street) and he asked me if I’d been inside Northland recently. When I replied in the negative, he chuckled and said, “you could bring your golf clubs in there and play 18 holes, and nobody would even notice.” Which was sad, but right on the money. Having spent a lot of time here prior to that, I could relate a lot more about this place, but eh, maybe some other time – again, this technically wasn’t a Morse Road business. Though two of the big anchor stores have been repurposed and survive, the rest was all knocked down in 2004.

1690: Sam Ash Music Store. This has also been a presence since at least the mid-late 90s. My friends and I have been in this location countless times, in varying combinations. As far as I know, however, my last visit occurred in either late 2001 or early 2002. Matt Montanya and I rode up here one day because they were advertising a special on drum sets – you could drive off with the entire kit on credit, with no money down. I had just purchased my first house and we were looking to set up shop in my basement. However, after running my application, they told me I had been declined. “I just bought a house, but you’re telling me my credit isn’t good enough for a $500 drum set?” I retorted to the help, thoroughly baffled as we shook our heads and left.

1700: Was there ever a Kohl’s here? This is a very Kohl’s-esque facade. Whatever the case, a hilariously named Eat & Run Restaurant was once at these coordinates. I can only hope their name did not foreshadow their plight. At present this spot belongs to Franklin County Board of Elections, the front, jutting out edge on the right side of this much longer building.

1745: current location of the Morse Road Kroger, on the site of where Northland Mall used to be. Kroger was formerly located across the street, and I worked at that particular store for about 5 months.

1788: China Buffet. I know this place has proudly displayed its yellow and red sign since at least early 2000, which is when I first began frequenting it. Though I can see the online reviews are all over the map, in my experience this place is about what you’d expect – no more, no less. On the plus side, I’d eaten here so much that when some family members showed up for my birthday one year, this is where we came for lunch (plus, it was alcohol free, an important consideration with that group at the time).

As far as negatives, I did get food poisoning from some mussels on one occasion – returning home afterwards, I sat at the kitchen table for hours with a messed up stomach. You can just taste it when something like that happens, and know what the culprit was. To this day I will eat mussels on occasion, but am not exactly crazy about them, not as I once was. However, that incident immediately reminded me of that part in the movie Go where they’re talking about not eating shellfish at a buffet, and I think there’s some truth to this, it’s not something I hold against this China Buffet.

1790: Lombardo’s Restaurant in the 1970s and 80s. It is now the 3C Plus Food Mart.

Tamarack to Northtowne/Walford

North Side of Street – depicted above

1800: longtime home of Krieger Ford

2070: Sweeeet looking little standalone blue and white building, housing a Gyro Express.  Though a G.D. Ritzy’s (luxury grill and ice cream, they said) was here before, I’m guessing  it had a slightly different color scheme. Ritzy’s was the brainchild of former  Wendy’s bigwig Graydon Webb, opening its first location across town in 1980. Though expanding at a phenomenal rate for years, overreach eventually doomed the franchise and Arby’s bought them out in 1991. Incredibly enough, as of this writing, there are still 4  independent locations scattered elsewhere around the US.

2100: As of this awesome 1988 ad I’m looking at, Majestic Paint Centers  had one of their many local locations here. To look it up now just pinpoints a spot  in the parking lot of the strip mall with Guitar Center and Big Lots, etc. Gyro Express is currently 2070 and Rally’s 2110, buildings lining Morse, in front of the parking lot. But I’m not sure what this area looked like back in ’88.

2130: Mark Pi’s Express has set up shop in this building. It once belonged to a Sisters Chicken and Biscuits, however, which was very much a 1980s phenomenon. If this one survived the 80s, I would be shocked. 

2160: Currently an Arby’s, though it was once a RAX  and to be honest still somewhat resembles one, from the outside. RAX was also a roast beef powerhouse, who started as JAX and then changed their name to RIX, then back to JAX for some reason, before settling upon the equally random letters that finally made them famous. Though this chain was once huge, they’ve all but disappeared, as I think Arby’s was the one buying most of them. A handful remain in other cities, but this Morse Road one has been  toast for decades.

(South Side of Street):

1995: South Asian Bazaar, a grocery store specializing in such. As of July 2000, though, this was a ComStation store, one of but 12 around town. Yes, 12. Twelve. They were formerly known as Pager World, which gives you some idea as to the wares they were peddling. That summer of 2000, the stores were promoting a “Re-Grand Opening,” and just to give you some idea about the cultural climate of this time, this wasn’t the only Morse Road location. They had another at 4936.

2057: First you had a Kentucky Fried Chicken in this spot. At some point that went under, and instead it became an almost too hilarious to describe New York Fried Chicken Pizza. It too closed, as did Ye Garden Restaurant.

2081: Formerly a McDonald’s, now a KFC. Both have closed shops elsewhere on this road and reopened new ones at some other location upon it. To hear the inside scoop on how this happens and what strategies are involved would be truly fascinating. And I mean with this with complete seriousness.

2100: 8 Ball Sports Bar & Billiards. Tim Burkhammer, who just bought Starliner Diner, also owns this place. He purchased the Nancy’s Home Cooking concept at one point, too, and after the original restaurants closed, began serving their fare at occasional pop-up locations instead – and this is one such spot.

2115: Dreisbach Wholesale Florists. Used to be a La-Z-Boy Furniture Galleries as of Oct ‘01, however.

2165: Furniture With A Heart Thrift Store

Northtowne/Walford to Cleveland Ave

2225: Was once a Burger King (from the mid 70s or so onward), now ’tis merely an empty building.

2230: Waterbeds N’ Stuff, located in the Northtowne Center strip mall.

2245: Opened in 1969, what is labeled as the first Arthur Treacher’s (though I’m not sure if this is just in town, or overall) once did business here. Wow. At present it’s an E-Z Cash Pawn Shop.  Granted, while tasty, the last time I ate Arthur Treacher’s it seriously tore up my stomach afterwards, but I would still take that over this. A sad fate indeed.

Though the Malin Center doesn’t have a specific address, there’s an awesome sign here whereby the one for KRA Music (if eastbound) was somehow inserted upside down.

2269: nothing here at present. As of April 2000, it was Maka Market and Halal Meats. Abdul Gulaid is the manager. His uncle owns it.

2270: nothing here at present. Was a Mattress Warehouse though, as of October ‘01. They honor all competitor coupons. One of 6 locations around town.

I need to investigate further, because this may have been a building closer to the road. But if it was in the actual strip mall back there, then it would have sat between where Aaron’s Rent To Own and O’Reilly’s Auto Parts are now.

2285: Zam Zam Grocery does business in what had been just a sad, empty, very fast-food-esque looking white building with red trim on this site, facing sideways from the street. Big Bite restaurant was one of many to give this space a shot, though they only lasted from 1982-84.

2295: A Speed Car Wash (according to a temporary sign out front, circa late 2020) is on the backside of Zam Zam. There once was a very strange sounding operation called Hi-Timber Supper And Swim Club here.

2330: This address currently belongs to Shiffa Pharmacy. It used to be a Ponderosa Steak House, however, which I think you can kind of tell from looking at it. Going to Ponderosa used to be a big deal when I was a youngster, and it’s sad that they have faded. There are still some around here and there, and I get a kick out of taking people who have never been – results are mixed (Erin did not like it; the kids were okay with the place) but it remains some good retro fun. Their build your own ice cream buffet was enough on its own to keep the little ones entertained for an hour.

2411: Rosie O’Grady’s just closed their doors, sadly enough. Hilariously low budget yet entertaining bar we always liked to visit about once every few years or so. The visits were infrequent enough and occurring under such disparate circumstances that to think about them now seems surreal. Damon had one of the funniest comments ever in describing the owner or manager or whoever he was as having “ice skater hair.” Yes, totally. That sums it up in a nutshell. Although that guy did come in to my seafood department once at Kroger and was kind of a dick.

Was King Tuts before that, a different kind of club. Going back even farther, a Burger Boy Food-O-Rama, which is kind of self-explanatory. The Burger Boy Food-O-Rama chain was bought out in its entirety by Borden Burger in 1969, but I’m not sure if this particular location was still around by then. Though somewhat of a historical footnote now, Borden Burger was fairly huge in its heyday, and looms large in our family’s history – my parents first met while working at one.

2447: Formerly an International House Of Pancakes

Cleveland to the outerbelt

2811: Presently just a boring old Subway restaurant. However, it was for at least 30 years a Jolly Pirate donut shop, which was open 24 hours. Kyle and I stopped here once following a night of drinking and karaoke. Sadly this was not enough traffic to keep them afloat forever – although the Subway exterior does at least somewhat retain the look of Jolly Pirate, so that’s something.

2933: the Northland area Goodwill outpost.

3015: Lion’s Den, which is currently categorized as a “lingerie” store, according to Google. Moved here in the spring of 2000, after “more than 30 years” across and slightly up the street, at the corner of Westerville. It seems strange, but I don’t recall ever setting foot in either location.

3440: Evans Automotive Repair. They have been here since 1976, I think in the same location.

3811: As of 2005, was Cabinetpak Kitchens, some kind of cost-cutting remodeling service. This space currently sits empty, however.

3840: Has been a Best Buy since at least 1999. I know this is a high traffic area and all, but it’s still somewhat impressive that they’ve stuck around that long. At one time they were referring to this location as HQ Plaza, though I’m not sure if they still are.

3884: Miller’s Ale House has a very snazzy looking new building here. I think it might have been built new from the ground up. Formerly, the now defunct Cooker chain had an outpost at this address. I worked for them (though not at this one) and had a bird’s eye view of how they went from well regarded to a total joke in short order.

Outerbelt to Hamilton

I’m going to have to look up exactly when that notorious Limited compound was built here. Though technically not located on Morse, I’m curious to know if we would have driven past it in the early to mid 1980s – my dad and stepmom bought a house in Gahanna, and when they picked us kids up for visits, this is the route we took: we came down I-71 from the Mansfield area, around the outerbelt to Morse, then down Stygler to their place. For that matter it would be fascinating to see photos and videos of this entire region, from that era. Considering my brother and I spent many a holiday down here, such as Easter and Christmas breaks, not to mention a decent chunk of those summers, it feels as though we somewhat grew up down here, too. And yet I’ve never really glimpsed any footage of these environs from that period.

It always just blows my mind the way things that don’t seem important or interesting at the time later turn out to be. In later years, my first ever serious girlfriend (Heather) would wind up working at Limited, as would a good friend (Kyle) that I had met elsewhere. And the two of them in turn at least became nodding acquaintances while on this job. Weird connections like that are always completely fascinating to me, too. Meanwhile, below is a map someone else drew me, in the early 2000s, for how to get to their place:

4456: St. Luke Lutheran Church, referenced in the charming old hand-drawn map above.

4466: Nationwide Insurance. But one of many outposts for this Columbus based juggernaut.

4695: Gentle Wind solds books and gifts here from 1997-2009. “Books and Gifts for Conscious Living,” is their slogan for quite some time. Pat Beres is listed as the first manager and then they went through a few more after that. It’s funny but I can think of an overhyped Columbus restaurant that also lasted from ’97-09, and tend to think, “god, what a dud.” But in the case of a scrappy little bookstore like this, instead I’m applauding their success, that they hung in there so long. So I guess it’s all about context.

“The vision for Gentle Wind came from a realization that the world needs more gentle places…places to renew the spirit refill the soul,” their ad states, circa 2001. They specialize in aromatherapy, massage & reflexology, genesis music therapy (!) (but I’m guessing this doesn’t mean, like, they throw on Duke while you sit there and meditate), reiki, workshops, inspirational books & gifts, unique jewelry, crystals rocks & minerals, art gallery, holiday gift baskets, feng shui. Though also offering workshops, jewelry, other great gift ideas, and, at least for a while, a gallery of Linda Apple’s art.

I also see this listed in some places as Gentle Wind II, so I’m not sure if they rebranded at some point, or if this means it was the second location. Whatever they case, they were the last business to hold this address. It was at the front edge of the Stoneridge shopping center, facing Morse. Comfort Dental is currently at 4693 and Sports Clips at 4697A, with nothing in between.

4750: Chipotle is still here, which means this one has been in place for over 20 years. Then again I don’t suppose too many of these close up shop, no matter where they are located.

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Morse Road Kroger

Morse Road Kroger paycheck note early 2000

My first day as the Morse Road seafood manager is November 1, 1999. I’m taking over for Mike Carney, who has transferred to run the shop at the just opened New Albany store. It’s only an 8 foot case, which will be a breeze compared to Bethel Road (12 foot case) – but not this first morning. Donza, the head meat cutter, tells me I have this Richard kid working for me, and he’ll be in at 9 to set the case. Except Richard mysteriously picks this day to never show up again. By 9:30, with a dept head meeting looming ahead at 10, I realize Richard isn’t coming in and frantically start setting the case. I want to get off on a strong foot but can only half ass things, that’s what kind of rush I’m in. And let’s not forget the meeting, which I’m nervous enough about to begin with, a feeling that is only compounded when I come breezing in there a half hour late.

Still, this Morse Road experience is unique in my work history for at least one notable reason. It’s the only place I can think of where I hit it off better with the management, on average, than I do the other employees. There are a few exceptions, of course, but this mostly holds true. Christine is the only other seafood employee, and she’s amazing, plus a really cool person. We later hire another part-timer, Latasha, who turns out to be pretty awesome as well. The meat department people are mostly nice folks and all. One guy in produce (Larry) and one cashier (Samantha) used to work at the Bethel Road store and had transferred here prior to my arrival, so I already know them. Otherwise, though, it’s mostly just Donza and then the two guys running the store: Steve Cokonougher and Sam “Colonel” Collins. I’m chummiest with that trio and a handful of the others already mentioned, but don’t really hit it off much with anyone else.

Mike Carney does breeze through during one of my first few days, to show me a couple of things concerning this department. He hands me this binder used for ordering and is smacking me on the chest with it. “This is your Bible,” he tells me, adds, “learn it. Know it. Love it. Use it.”

“That was Mike’s problem,” Donza instantly jokes, standing right there, “he knew it and loved it, but he didn’t use it.”

The first two times I place an order, it somehow manages to double the entire truck for meat and seafood both. Nobody can figure out how this happened, and I have no clue, either. I had been doing some ordering at Bethel Road before coming here, so I’m not a total rube. But still…the third time I go to place an order, assistant store manager Debbie (she was nice, too, but transferred away soon after I arrived) sits with me and watches the entire process. Neither of us pick out anything that I’m doing wrong, but at any rate, it does not double the truck this time – and will never happen again, either, thankfully.

Otherwise, it’s mostly a highly depersonalizing experience here. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that they continue to ask for my ID every week when picking up my paycheck, as though never seeing me before. Most of the other department managers even seem disinterested in my presence, though I see them bare minimum every Monday morning during our 10am meetings. Whatever the case, it’s definitely an inner-city store, distantly removed from the suburban one I came from, yet is also far busier. At a time where Bethel was doing $600,000 every week, this store was doing $900K. Which is an even larger discrepancy than it looks, considering that they were selling more high dollar items over there at Bethel, the average basket was bigger.

During my tenure here, there was only one other store in the city that had ever cracked a million a week – this brand-new location up at the Maxtown Road and Route 3 intersection – but we were routinely coming in second, though could never seem to hit that magical seven figure mark. Well, it was interchangably us and Chambers Road (grouped in our zone, despite a location that would seem to slot it elsewhere) coming in second and third every single week. Chambers occupied this sweet spot of being totally landlocked without any competition nearby – whereas if you’re built at the edge of town, or in some crumbling district where buildings are being knocked down, a rival store might potentially pop in. So Steve was continually marveling at this in the meetings, regarding our truest competitors. Our claim to fame, though, is I once overheard a Western Union rep telling Corissa (she worked at the front desk) that this Morse Road store did the most wire business in the state of Ohio.

So the customer count is through the roof here, though the average shopper is typically poorer, and there’s definitely a very brusque, impersonal atmosphere in the air. Yet, while many are constantly complaining about how cocky Steve is, and hardcore, I don’t have a problem with him at all. To me he does a great job, we have a solid rapport, and he’s also pretty hilarious to boot. Maybe kind of like if you happen to know a cop who is a major comedian off the job – and he’s able to project that same antagonistic vibe while on it, but keeping a straight face. For example this one Monday morning where Steve arrives at the manager’s meeting, cracking up about an encounter he had along the way. He had stopped some young kid and demanded to see his receipt, for whatever item he was eating. As the terrified kid then burst into tears, though digging through his jean pockets and eventually producing it.

“Of course, I was just messing with him, I didn’t really believe that he stole it,” Steve chuckles, “but he didn’t know that.”

Maybe a little bit of a sadistic streak, then, but whatever. It’s possible that this is precisely the attitude needed to succeed in an environment such as this. For example, our store manager at Bethel Road had this policy that she wouldn’t press charges for shoplifting episodes totaling less than $250, because it wasn’t worth the hassle. The problem with this is that word had clearly gotten out on the streets, and they’d routinely bust thieves coming in just shy of that mark. Contrast that against this Morse Road location, where, shortly after my arrival, Steve proudly boasts about pressing charges against a shoplifter who’d only stolen a candy bar.  His point was that he hoped they’d spread the news about that, and steer clear of this store entirely.

So yeah, a totally different world. Another early example of this occurs when they hire some other goofball to replace Richard. He’s this young kid named Josh, with wild blonde hair blowing every which way in outrageous, bed-head fashion, who shows up for work wearing some legitimate old school looking cowboy boots. Therefore, everyone immediately begins calling him Boots and/or Cowboy. Therefore, this is pretty much all I can remember about him.

Except for this one day right after he starts, and this highly attractive female of about my age comes up to the counter. For some reason we are both helping her, as she flirts in extremely over the top fashion with Boots and me both. Gets a bunch of shrimp from us, I can’t remember what else, but then after she walks away, he and I are like, “holy smokes!” and agreeing that she was not only really hot, but that she seemed to be majorly digging us. Until this random grizzled veteran lady, who was working over in the bread aisle, came flying up to the counter and basically read us the riot act. Apparently that chick just been busted for attempting to walk out of the store with the shrimp.

“I knew right away what she was up to!” this woman barked at us, “anytime you see anything like that, you should be suspicious!”

Other random episodes:

  1. This old couple came in all smarmy acting, asking for salmon. Only they insisted it has always been kept in a “bucket” & that they’ve customarily picked out which one they wanted out of the bucket. Naturally, I couldn’t make heads or tails of such nonsense. “Armenia always lets us do it!” the woman clamored, “don’t you know who Armenia is!?” I shook my head. “Armenia runs this department!” “Oh really…,” I smirked. “Yes. You’ve never heard of her?” I shook my head again. “He’s never heard of Armenia,” she scoffed to her husband, & they walked away. The next day I asked Christine who Armenia was. Turned out she had indeed once been the head seafood here – but had left the store four years ago.
  2. Donza has this kooky but effective scheme worked out for making shrimp rings during the holidays, which he’s been doing for years. He tells me not to breathe a word of this to anyone, or we’ll have the union reps down our throats, but…the truth is, he pays the girls softball team from nearby DeSales High School to assemble these for us, 75 cents per ring. It only takes them one day, and they manage to crank out 900.

Donza and I will occupy ourselves running supplies and completed rings back and forth from the store to the school. The kitchen here is below ground, I recall, with windows looking out into a side parking lot. It took numerous trips up the road & back in Donza’s Bronco-type-thing & my beat up Geo (you can imagine the terror of cruising past the cop station again & again, as I did that Tues, w/ no license, no insurance & a loud ass muffler that didn’t work anyway tied onto my car), but we got the job accomplished. Donza & I more or less did all the running as these young ladies & a few female teachers made the rings (one of which was a mom of one of the girls, & got mad because I smashed into her one side mirror when parking my car. Even though I denied it, she knew it was me.)

3. The day I forget to close out an order and Donza comes up to me, with this huge metal pole in one hand, smacking it into his other, open palm. He asks if I’ve seen the movie Walking Tall and threatens to reenact a certain scene if this happens again.

4. A manager’s meeting where Steve is reminiscing about the year 1957, figures out that he was in the second grade then. A chuckle somewhat involuntarily escapes me. “Jason just snickered!” Joyce points out. “Nuh uh! I was just…choking!” I reply, and the entire room busts out laughing.

5. There is this highly amusing black dude named Aaron who works on the front end, usually a cash register. He basically lives for getting on the intercom, and cannot resist any opportunity for doing so. His favorite is to get on the horn and plea for some urgent bagging assistance: “bagging assistance to the front end, please…bagging assistance to the front end, please…” One morning I happen to be in this little room up front where the pricing coordinators, Diane and Carol, mostly work. They have a computer in there for making signs whenever I have a need to do so myself. Aaron gets on the intercom yet again except this time he says, “bagging assistance to the front end, please…Diane and Carol to the front end, for bagging assistance, please…” One of these ladies (I forget which) turns to the other and says, “they really need to do something about him.”

6. Steve marveling in something almost approaching admiration one day, after he busts this front end girl for stealing. She had a long running and apparently quite lucrative scheme going, which he admittedly had never heard of before (and neither had any of us): she was going out into the parking lot, finding receipts customers had left on the ground; then coming back inside and assembling a shopping cart to match, stowing it in a cooler until the end of her shift. This cart has the receipt taped to it, showing these goods were purchased hours earlier, and she just wheels it right on out to her car.

7.  In February of 2000, I win this contest for pushing imitation crabmeat. With quite a bit of help from Christine, it’s true. The deal I make with her ahead of time is that she can have the prize money, if we manage to win, while I will take the night’s stay at the Adam’s Mark hotel and dinner at Mitchell’s Steakhouse. She was perfectly happy with this arrangement.

But whereas nearly every single contest they ever ran, before or after, that I can recall – in fact I can’t remember a contest where this wasn’t true – revolved around reaching a certain sales figure, beating out the other stores, for some reason this lone competition was different. With this particular instance, the contest was to see who could order the most imitation crabmeat within the stated time frame. I’m sure you can see where this is headed.

Though my shoppers trended toward cheaper options like catfish and perch, the imitation crabmeat also did okay, it wasn’t like I ever had to throw much out. And once I realized you could freeze this stuff, and that we had plenty of room in my small frozen backstock cave, well, it was off to the races.

For the contest to be worded as such, I think it’s safe to say kickbacks were happening on some level up above, so my superiors were probably not losing any sleep regardless.  It’s strange how these things work out, too. As it so happened, a relative of Christine’s, a nephew I believe, died unexpectedly right after it was announced we had beaten all the other stores in the zone. She would desperately need the cash to afford this trip, and I only received it the night before she was set to leave. I drove over on my day off to hand it to her. She did a little jig back there in our seafood department, and then hugged me.

II.

My numbers are always good, which is maybe one reason I’m on great terms with management. A lot of people say that a busier store is paradoxically much easier to run than a slow store is, and that might be true, I’m not sure. Bethel Road is actually considered one of the stronger locations, actually, so this takes it to a whole other level. I do think that being able to narrow my focus down here is a major plus, in that I determine very early on that only a handful of things will sell out of that fresh case: catfish, perch, salmon, a few varieties of shrimp. I can have mountains of these and make it look pretty good, maybe flesh things out with a few other offerings in the gaps that remain, and not worry about much else on that front. One of my first mornings, I attempt putting out fresh tuna. Debbie’s walking the store and observes, “tuna, huh? Hmm!”

“Is that a bad idea?” I ask. You would have had rioting in the streets without tuna, at Bethel and pretty much anywhere else I’ve worked, but maybe not here.

“Oh, I don’t know, but you can try it!” she grins, indicating that she already knows the answer to this, based on past experience. And she’s right. This is a total waste of time here.

Yet if you consider that we’re doing one percent of store sales, week in and week out, with just a handful of not especially expensive items in the fresh case…then yeah, this seafood department is jumping. With just myself and two part-timers for a staff. The frozen case actually performs just as well or slightly better here. One day I’m out working my frozen section, which is right beside the fresh case, when one of the crusty old meat cutters I don’t particularly get along with, Ken, comes strolling past.

“Boy, I sure wish could spend half my day out here slinging boxes around!” he dismissively scoffs.

“This frozen section is half of my business,” I tell him.

“Pssh,” he says and keeps on moving.

We do have a pretty sizeable Asian demographic, and they seem to prefer shopping from the frozen section. I think some of this is probably language related, in that maybe they don’t feel as comfortable approaching the counter. It does lead to one of my better insights, though, which is recalling that they also like to purchase whole fish, heads and all. So I begin stocking a nice variety of those out there…and this in turn eventually leads to another winning idea, which is double dipping on the heads, so to speak. A lot of shoppers want the whole fish, but then bring it to the counter and ask me to chop off the head. They are okay with paying full price for what the package says, they just want the head removed. At some point I realize there’s no reason to throw the heads away – when I can just wrap them, by themselves or in a group, and put those back out for sale. These also move like hotcakes, once again mostly appealing to the Asians.

Christine is my second in command for the entirety of my short tenure at this store. Following the short lived Boots character, we hire this other young kid named James as a part timer for the department. He’s a nice guy and all but doesn’t work out even remotely well. Then to replace him, we hire another high schooler, this black girl named Latasha, who totally rocks. She has great people skills and works very hard. In fact, one day her teacher swings through to ask how she’s doing – Christine and I both tell him to give her an A.

In April of 2000, Bethel Road will call to ask if I want to come back, this time to run their recently vacated seafood shop. Things were getting a little monotonous here already – it felt like I could run this store on autopilot and still make a decent margin, from now until the end of time – and yet I was also never 100% comfortable in this environment. Plus, despite a more upper class clientele, the Bethel Road bait shop had been struggling to turn a profit (hence the firing of their manager, my former boss, Ed Bianco). Therefore this sounded like an awesome challenge, and I told them I would take it.